No one ever really leaves Xanga. Ha. For some strange reason I just had to check Xanga. I can't believe how long I've had Xanga. Anyway. So, again, a year later - so much has changed in my life. It's so strange to take a step back and read the things I've said in the past. To be so childish and naive is now comedy to me. I guess it's all part of growing up.
Tonight, I find myself to have so much free time on my hands that I'm just going to vent a little. So, I'm a college student now. I can't believe how liberating being in college is. It really makes you feel like you've cut all ties with your childhood in some sense. Almost like you're finally moving on with your life. And I guess you are.
In the last year there have been some changes, but not many. I can truly say that I'm quite happy with my life. Ha. Well, my life is currently in Europe. I'm here for a year for school. I just want to applaud myself for that. It's a really difficult and life altering decision to pack up your entire life and move to another country. To make yourself so vulnerable and out of your element is really risky. Thankfully, I've adapted to the change better than others. But it really was an adult decision to make. To just brush off all of my insecurities about leaving my friends and family. To put my entire life here on hold as to not pass up a great opportunity. I just think it's a really mature and adult move as opposed to all of my other decisions I've made before. I've always taken others advice on a matter before making up my mind - always letting their opinions make my choice for me; so, this was finally something I put my own stamp on.
Obviously, being here and having my life nearly 5,000 miles away from me is a challenge. I miss it incredibly, as I'm sure most would. European life is different - understatement of the year. Living here makes you realize how good you have it when you're living in the States. Things are much less complicated than they would appear to be initially. haha. Just everything here is different. It's hard for anyone to grasp that unless you actually live here. Not vacation. Not visiting. You need to actually live here for a while to understand the differences between the two countries. Especially since it's an election year - you see it everywhere here. You see the European mentalities coming out about their ideals on international politics. Anyway, the point is that everything is different. End of point.
The one thing I was most concerned with before I left was the reationships I had with everyone. What kind of impact would me leaving create? Of course, I didn't want to tamper with anything good I had going. I really wish it was easy enough tojust freeze frame the relationships and push play when I got home. However, in a way, being here makes me realize even more so how much any of my friendships mean. Especially when you spend so much time with someone normally and once you leave, they suddenly drift. Everyone knows that feeling. It's horrible, but it reminds you of who really cares. What's even worse is when you can call it before it happens. Some people have shocked me, while others haven't at all.
My friends in general are a great group of people. I've been rather fortunate enough to have a strong sense of who I know is worth my time and who isn't. It's like a detection I have, like I'm weeding people out as they come into my life. I think I've always been able to tune into people though. Whether that be to my personal benefit or not, I've always done it and I doubt that it will ever stop. Xanga brings up the memories of people that I've weeded out. There are people who will absolutely never ever be allowed back into my life. It isn't even that I can read how they are - it's really just that I've moved on with my life. Why anyone bothers to look back and back peddle their life is beyond me. However, I'm over that stage in my life. People will consistently let you down, they will make you feel ontop of the world, they will destroy you, they will pick you up off your feet -- people will surprise you, but don't bother going back on things because they will never happen again. After so many ridiculously toxic friendships that I've had, it's really simple to just be happy with a few extremely close friends. You find yourself more nit picky about who your friends are because really, they are your little world.
I'm going to sound like an idiot for using this as my example, but, on a recent episode of The Hills, I was seriously reminded of a best friend I once had. The relationship of Lauren and Heidi really does remind me entirely of this old friendship. And what was said is even more so true - "you'll always miss a best friend". There's no easy way around that. There are small instances where I'm easily reminded of those people who have come into my life and just as easily have left it. I mean, we all grow up and finally get on with our lives at some point. I'm glad to have had people in my life, but at the same time, I'm not here vying for anyone's friendship nor will I be. The childish games and acts are over. I've tried to give some frienships another chance because I thought that would be the mature adult thing to do, but in the end, I wasn't wrong or wronged; I just couldn't do it. Sometimes there's nothing you can do to fix a situation. Sometimes there's nothing left to do - there are no more chances to be given, and you just surrender with the pieces that are left from the crumbled image. That's the end of the road for me and so many of those friendships. Moving here also made me realize before hand that if I wanted to deal with any remaining issues or try to make ammends, then to do it before I left - otherwise, it'd really be up to fate to decide it's outcome. So I did deal with somethings while others I just made the decision that I'm over it and no, there is no turning back from here. I'm done with it.
My life otherwise is wonderful. I don't really have the room to complain right now. ha. Granted that here you can't really find a job unless you're a citizen and all of that jazz, so I'm completely out of my zone as far as making money and keeping myself occupied. That part sucks. I'm really excited about coming home - it's hard not to be. Especially because I'm obviously so accustomed to my life at home. I love being able to get up and go whenever I please. I love having my own personal space and the freedom to do the things I want and have them being at my convenience whereas here it's a hassle or a challenge to get to places or to do certain things because it takes more than one stop to do them. I love making money, that's for sure. Here it's so odd for me to be on such a strict budget because I'm use to making plenty of money without ever really needing to think twice about going out or buying something. That part is upsetting, but oh well.
I suppose those are all the grumbles I have for now.. since it's about 2AM here. haha. Not sure when I'll write again, if at all, who knows. :)